Rss

Archives for : life

Birthday Weekend!

This weekend my 29th birthday came and went and it was probably one of the best birthday’s I’ve had!  (Definitely top 5).  It wasn’t anything crazy or special it was just a lovely weekend.

Saturday I relaxed and got depressed after watching the Castle Season Finale! (Ugh, did you watch it, what did you think?)  After that figured I should do something productive, I decided to donate some blood.  (I tried to vlog while I was there but they asked me not to…)  Then it was just some filming and editing before heading off to dinner at Red Robin so I could have a delicious burger!  The weather was perfect and I just couldn’t have asked for a better day.  I got so many birthday wishes from everyone!  You guys are truly amazing!

Sunday was such a fun day!  Nick and I went down to Boston to do some window shopping and well, some actual shopping.  Let’s be honest, I can’t go down to Boston and manage to come home with nothing!  Thanks to Matt, Nikki, Zoey & Zachary I was able to get a couple things from Sephora.  Plus we went looking around for a new camera.  Unfortunately we came up empty handed on that front.

Lunch at the Cheesecake Factory was delish.  I was a little worried about walking into a place without doing research to see if they had an allergy menu, but I have to say our server was great.  I checked their website when we sat down to get their allergen menu (they didn’t have a paper copy), and ordered what I wanted.  The server actually came back to tell me that the bun I had ordered had sesame seeds in it so he put in the order with one that I could have.  Overall it was a great experience and we were able to walk around the rest of the day without me having a stomach ache!  Success!

The rest of the evening was relaxing.  When I got home I found the camera I wanted on Amazon, and I should be getting it next week!  I can’t wait.  This week should be the last week of poor quality videos!  (Depending on when it gets here obviously)  I have the next 4 videos set so I’m hoping after those 4 we will be into the new camera!  I also got a set of softbox lights so that no matter what I have good lighting!  Thanks to my Mom and Dad, Marc and Sue, Aunt Lolly and of course Nick, for the birthday gift!  Without you guys I wouldn’t have been able to get it!  So excited for those to come in the mail!

So that was my amazing and relaxing birthday weekend!  What did you guys do?

YouTube, Blogs and Vlogs… Oh My!

For starters, I decided to do a April Selfie Challenge, where I took a picture of myself every morning to see how I changed over the month and see all the different makeup I did.  May is Make faces May, so at the end of the month stay tuned for that video.  Here is Aprils!

Some of you may have noticed some big changes coming over the last couple of weeks.  And I’m here to tell you more changes are still to come!  I’ve decided to jump head first into my blogging and vlogging.  After a couple years off of filming I realized how much I really enjoyed it.  So I’ve decided to start it up again and I wanted to give you guys a run down of what I plan on doing.

Continue Reading >>

Cure of ed?

So I just saw this commercial (while watching Legally Blonde).  And my first reaction was that I liked the commercial, but then I saw the very end…

Continue Reading >>

Eating Disorder Awareness Week

BONUS POST!!!

In case you’re unaware, this week (February 24-28) is Eating Disorder Awareness Week, so I thought I would take some time to update you guys on my progress.  For those of you who don’t know, I was diagnosed with an e.d. almost two years ago.  Click here to read my story and how I came to realize that I had a problem.

Continue Reading >>

Driftwood Jewelry Update

So if you’ve been reading you know I’ve taken up making jewelry out of driftwood as a hobby to help keep my hands and mind busy.  So far so good.  I made the ring for myself which I posted on here already

Click Here to see that

And then for my mom for Mother’s Day I made her a key chain with the heart z we both have tattooed on us.  (mine on my neck hers on her shoulder).  And then I made myself a necklace with the same heart on it.  Its simple and dainty but it works.

While I was about to start on some earrings a piece of wood broke off and I thought it would make a good necklace so I just finished that yesterday.

I have one more piece still in the works, the pair of earrings, still in the carving stage.  And who knows what I’ll do after that.  It seems to be determined by the driftwood and how it inspires me.

Not sure what I’ll do with the other necklace as I don’t need to keep a HUGE collection of driftwood for myself.  Might send them to my mom’s wig shop to sell along side some of the other trinkets and jewelry she sells.  We shall see, but here are the pics of the most recent ones.  As soon as the others are done I’ll post them too.

My Life in a Nutshell

Ok, so its been a while and its been a rough couple weeks, with more ups and downs than the Tower of Terror…  But good things have happened too, so I’ll try my best to fill you in.

The Husband

Things with Nick are going great as always.  He is sticking with me like glue, even through the tough times.  Sometimes I wonder what I would ever do without him.

The House

We are still not done yet and until last week we weren’t feeling very optimistic.  But then a mini miracle happened!  CMP gave us power a full 10 days earlier than their guarantee date!  We couldn’t believe it (until we drove up there and saw it!)  Since then, we finally have running water and sewage, plus most of the drywall work is done and the doors have all been hung.  We still don’t have siding yet, which is a thorn in my side I think more than anyone elses.  I’ve been saying since the house was delivered that it wouldn’t really be real until I drove up and saw siding…  not Tyvek.  Seeing tyvek just makes it feel like a work in progress, but once the siding is done it feels like a house.  The siding guy is scheduled for Tuesday-Friday of this next week, so hopefully we are done after that!  We are looking at a slated move in date of the second week of July.  Fingers crossed!

The Writing

Its been really hard to convince myself to write since the memoir class ended.  But I’ve gotten in contact with one of my classmates and we are going to write back and forth once a week to get some feedback.  So stay tuned for more of those.

The Recovery

Therapy seems to have been hit and miss, some weeks I feel like we are making huge strides and other like we are way off topic.  This week seemed to be especially hard for me, but in therapy we made some strides.  I also saw a nutritionist for the first time, and I’m not sure what my expectations were going into it, but I left feeling confused.  My eating habits are not too bad according to her, we only have a couple of things that we can improve upon and we will work on those things and teaching me how to listen to my body.  All seems good, but its just frustrating for everyone to be like you’re doing good everything seems ok, well if thats the case why am I in this situation in the first place.

So this week I am going to attempt to find a way to eat something when I am busy at work that isn’t a muffin or scone, because although I don’t mind those on occasion I don’t want to eat them every day…  Plus I’m hungry again like 30 mins later, which is why I pick all morning long instead of just eating something that will keep me full longer.  Going to try a smoothie on the busy days that I don’t have time to cook for myself.

The Job

Some days work is great, and others it is really hard.  For a while I felt like I was stuck in the middle of people having no idea what they wanted for our breakfast, but now that seems to have calmed down.  We have put out good food and hopefully soon I can play around and put out some fun food too.

As for working in a kitchen with an eating disorder, its hard.  Who am I kidding, hard doesn’t even begin to cover it.  Every day is a battle, some worse than others, but every day I’m learning to deal with it, and most days it seems to get a little easier to handle.  So maybe in time it won’t seem so bad.

 

Well I’d say that is a good start.  Hopefully I’ll be able to post more on here in the coming weeks more regularly.

Saucy Endings

This is the third and final personal essay from my memoir class.  I hope to keep them going on a weekly basis.

Saucy Endings

As I stand here whisking egg yolks feverishly jealousy floods through me. The bright yellow yolks start to lighten and become a beautiful, deliciously rich sauce reserved for only the most decadent dishes. Hollandaise, the most complicated, temperamental and richest of the sauces, is my favorite. I haven’t had the pleasure of tasting it in months… maybe even years. Remembering our last encounter, only makes me yearn for it more.

I can almost taste the smooth buttery flavor, thick and creamy smothering poached eggs, ham (or my personal favorite, bbq pulled pork) and an english muffin served with a side of home fries just waiting to sop up any left over sauce. There is something about Eggs Benedict that just seems inappropriate. All of those calories. All of that fat. All of those carbs. I can’t help but wonder who would be lucky enough to allow themselves that treat, as I plate up yet another order. My seventh of the morning.

Long ago I mastered the art of making the perfect hollandaise sauce, and right about now I was wishing I had never tasted it, let alone perfected it.

I need to block out the thoughts of that sauce, they are a distraction… Listening to the sounds of the kitchen is my only options. The stove is sizzling away with five omelets, and a couple fried egg orders, off in the distance I hear the clanging of metal spatulas on the flat top grill. Water is running in a nearby sink, and the dish machine is trying to keep up with all of the used plates. Suddenly a server calls out an order, snapping me out of my trance. As I call it out to the other cook on the line I can’t help but bring myself back to hollandaise sauce as another benedict order is placed.

When service comes to an end I’ve made a ridiculous 19 orders of eggs benedict in just two hours.

I want number 20.

But I can’t. I’ve worked so hard over the last few days, running a 5k on top of my normal hour long fitness dvd workout each day this week. It would all be for nothing after just one bite… A whole plate would be a disaster! Desperate to have my favorite breakfast, I search the kitchen for someone to share with. My hopes diminish when I see everyone already has a plate of food in front of them. Sadness begins to set in as I realize that delicious velvety, rich and creamy sauce will elude me yet again today. Plus, now my appetite is gone.

While I reluctantly toss out the remaining sauce (which is just enough for one more serving) an idea hits me! I can make almost any dish low fat or low calorie, why not this, my favorite. How had I not thought of this before? Running into the walk in refrigerator my mind is racing on how I can do this, how can I turn perfection into a healthy alternative? I need all of those components. Creamy. Rich. Smooth. Tangy. After about two or three failed attempts, Success!

Unforgettable Fake Out Hollandaise

1 egg yolk
4 oz plain yogurt (not greek, its too thick and won’t combined well) or low fat sour cream can be used as well
lemon juice or warm water if you prefer it a little less tangy
cayenne pepper
salt and pepper
*1 T butter – Optional

-stir together the yogurt and egg yolk, which will first thin out but as it starts to cook will thicken.
-Keep it moving in order to still not curdle the egg.
-It is ok to simmer this sauce as its more stable than classic however keep it moving so it doesn’t burn or stick to the bottom.
-Once thickened and heated through add in the lemon juice just enough to thin it out to a good consistency
-season with salt, pepper and cayenne
(75-125 calories)

Perfected Classic Hollandaise

1 egg yolk
2-3 oz melted butter
1/2 tsp dijon (optional)
lemon juice or warm water
salt and pepper to taste
dash of cayenne pepper

-place egg yolk in a small pan and whip up slightly until light in color
-add the dijon if desired, this will help keep the sauce from breaking
-over a flame whip egg while slowly adding in melted butter until hot and thick
-remove from heat, squeeze in a little lemon juice or water to thin out
-season with salt pepper and cayenne.
(250-300 calories)

 

This one was a request from the teacher, she wanted to see if I could manage to take a recipe and write a story about that particular recipe.  I did it, but it was really difficult to do.  So after discussing it we decided that I would just write and then if recipes fell in with what I had written about we could work them in.  It is an idea, I almost feel like its inappropriate because although I am a chef and my job is to make things taste good, it almost seems to glorify the situation.  And that is the last thing I want to do.

Everyone seemed to love the personification of the sauce and the dish machine, and that it felt almost like a forbidden love affair.  Things from the descriptions I used to the undertones of the story (obsession).  Its not my favorite and I wasn’t a fan writing it, but everyone enjoyed it.

Again any constructive criticism you have is greatly appreciated.  Hopefully Wednesday I will have another one written.

Calming the Chaos

This is personal essay number 2 from my memoir class.  Again, I’ll let you read it first then give my criticism.

Calming the Chaos

I sit here, on my bed, with a Nook in my hands. Staring. Just staring at the last page. The words “dark and lonely world of an eating disorder” resonating through me. If someone would have said I had an eating disorder before I finished Unbearable Lightness by Portia de Rossi, I would have laughed. Blown it off, as envy or jealousy. But as I sit here, on my bed, staring at that last page, I know it to be true.

My heart starts to beat rapidly, with the occasional palpitation. The hands that are holding onto my Nook become sweaty. The hazel eyes staring at the page begin to glaze over. Thinking is futile, since all that fills my mind is fog as I attempt to come to terms with this new realization. After 10 years of the weight loss yo-yoing, its staring me in the face, page 255, waiting to see what I’ll do next.

Within seconds, I don’t realize it but tears begin to stream down my face. In my own world, where its just me. Me and the book. Off in the distance I hear a voice of concern. Nick, he must have noticed the tears. Unfortunately this is not one of those times where his instantaneous need to make me feel better or smile will help. All I can manage to get out is a meek, “I’m fine… Tomorrow will be my first day without a diet.” There was no conviction in my voice, it wasn’t triumphant, instead all you could hear, was the terror I was feeling deep down.

As the lights go out in the room, my mind is running wild. Its no use, I can’t contain my tears, all of a sudden they erupt. Not in that quiet pretty cry either, that ugly cry where you can’t catch your breath, or help from making pained faces that are all red and splotchy. The cry reserved for only the worst of times. This was one of those times.

Over the next few minutes, Nick tried his best to comfort me. Making a joke to get a chuckle out of me, break the tension. Get me to relax. Although I was calm enough to stop the hysterical waterworks, calmness didn’t even begin to enter my mind. As I wait listening to hear Nick’s shallow breathing, the idea that sleep will elude me tonight becomes real. Thoughts continue to spiral through my head.

What should I do next? Is this really an eating disorder? What will my parents think? What will my friends think? Do I see a therapist? Should I just get a self help book? Will I be able to continue cooking knowing this?

While sitting on the cold brown leather sofa in front of my laptop, at one am, in a black room (aside from the cable box clock) I allow my fingers to do the talking. As I write things I’ve never told people my mind begins to feel the slightest bit of ease. I am shocked with the memories I am able to pull out, things I had purposely forgotten over 10 years go. As the hours go by, I can’t stop writing. Urging myself to get it all out. Glancing over at the clock I see that its just after three am and I am emotionally drained and physically exhausted.

For the first time in years a sense of pride washes over me as I read what I have just written. It doesn’t matter to me what family and friends think, as this is not just raw, but real. I have no idea what recovery will entail, but for now the only thing I can do is sleep.

 

This was one of the hardest things for me to read aloud.  Reading it to myself was no problem at all.  But to vocalize everything…  I broke down half way through the third paragraph.  Luckily our teacher finished reading it for me.

There was very little criticism in this piece, mostly things people loved.  The descriptive ugly cry that we all know so well.  The questions that ran through my mind, the ones that have gone through everyone’s head at some point.  The epiphany or enlightening moment we have all felt about something.  It seemed as though I was able to connect to everyone through things we all understand.

Again, constructive criticism is greatly appreciated!

A Brewing Storm Review

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I was thoroughly pleased with this short story!  Online the reviews are mixed, people are very upset that it was only a short story, but that was stated in the description. That being said-

For a short story its great!  The character development is impressive for 75 pages.  And you are kept interested from page one.  Although half way through you do kind of expect who is at fault, there are unexpected twists and turns that throw you off completely.  The next story comes in July of 2012 and I will definitely be buying it, even if it too is a short story.

Escape to the Corner

This is my first memoir class assignment.  A personal essay.  I’ll let you read it first and then tell you the comments I got back.

Escape to the Corner

Rollerblading was always something I enjoyed doing on a daily basis. But at some point it slowly turned from being a fun activity to being a necessary evil. When I was 16 I even met my first serious boyfriend in high school rollerblading around the block. Him and his friends thought I was crazy going around and around, talk about boring! Crazy as it may have been, I enjoyed the fresh air and the landscape. Filled with mesquite trees, quail scurrying across the path, saguaro cacti everywhere you looked. Down the street the sounds of children playing on a playground and basketballs being thrown against the backboards, these were things I found calming during my cd player free afternoon rides.

The corner became my happy place, where if I was frustrated with school, boys, family, etc I could skate down to that corner, sit down and relax for a little while. Allowing myself time to think or decompress about whatever was bothering me. Eventually I began going there on a daily basis in between or after laps. Sometimes there were as few as 4 laps (1 mile) and sometimes there were as many as 24 laps (6 miles). Once going religiously became a MUST, I started doing little things like trying to beat a previous timing record, or trying to add an extra lap. Nothing too extreme, or so I thought.

Because I was working 35-40 hours and a full time high school student that meant very little time for skating, but regardless of that, I made it a priority. Sneaking in time wherever I could find it. After a breakup with that boyfriend, I went on a skating mission. I went around the block 12 times in just under 20 mins! That’s 3 miles in 20 mins! I was on a mission, get the hurt out, cure a broken heart with aggression I had never seen before.

Devastation doesn’t even begin to describe my feelings, my ex now lived 3 houses down from my coveted corner. He knew when and where I skated, and would still be outside skateboarding regardless of our breakup. Instantly I knew a new route was necessary. Luckily for me there are tons of walking paths and miles of neighborhood sidewalks to choose from. I couldn’t get away from my corner though… I started skating after working at night, which was wonderful because I knew my ex wouldn’t be out. Sitting in the dark, I could think things through even better than before, but something was missing… The sounds of the neighborhood… The nature views… Everything dark, with only the street lights and lighted windows. Even the sky seemed empty, starless. The quiet was deafening. The empty darkness seemed to be pulling me into depression and the panicky feelings to escape started to surround me. I had to let my corner go.

My next door neighbor began to join me on my evening ventures, still around the neighborhood and even occasionally going to the corner. Which never seemed as depressing at night when someone else was there. Over the next couple months, I slowed down my evening sessions, but that doesn’t mean the skating stopped. I found different places to explore during the day, areas of the neighborhood I didn’t know very well, the walking path that lead to nowhere, down to the gas station. The longer the ride, the better.

Slowly my ankles started to despise my rollerblades. And my knees weren’t a huge fan either due one previous surgery and another not far away, if I wasn’t careful. I began skating less and less. At first I was afraid that my life would start to spiral out of control, that my emotions would begin to get the best of me. When neither of those things began happening I relaxed. I was fine, I didn’t need rollerblading 2 hours a day to keep myself in check. Over the next few months I continued skating, but only a few times a week, when I wasn’t working. After all running around a department store is exhausting enough as it is, no need to add to it!

Things seemed to be going smoothly in my life. I even had a new boyfriend that I met through work. One that didn’t live down the street from my house. One that appreciated me for me. For the first time I was happy with how and where my life was going. Little did I know, that was all about to change.

 

So, after reading it in class we always discussed what we liked or think needed or could be changed this is what I was told
-it was a great story and that it made people want to know more, but that the idea of the personal essay was one  scene, one snapshot, rather than a couple month story.
-Our goal was to keep it under 750 words, this was 753 words.
-They wanted to know less about the boyfriend and more about me, and what was going through my head.
-The descriptions were great, but they wanted more of them.
-They loved that the numbers were everywhere.

During that class we also did a couple of writing prompts, but that will be another post, so stay tuned for that!

If you have any other constructive criticism for me I would greatly appreciate it!  Thanks!

%d bloggers like this: